Now I already feel some pressure to DO something, now that I feel my chemical mood a little stabilized. But also I’m just enjoying being able to enjoy. I am still haunted by all the ways I feel betrayed, but I have more space to just walk down the street. It’s actually been kind of a Buddhist lesson in being present. There’s very little I can ruminate on without pain anymore so I have to start over in a very real way.

I’m ok. Most of the time I’m ok now.

I usually only write here when I’m in the most dire and suffering place and have no one to talk to. I think that leads to a somewhat skewed version of this log, although I truly was suffering SO much of the time in the past year. I’m about a week or two into the higher dose of ssri, and I think it’s kicked in pretty well. I do not feel miserable all the time. I still struggle with the memories of what happened to me and how many doors to people I was once close to are closed. But I have an easier time looking at the moment that’s happening right now, and just being grateful that I’m alive and breathing. (That’s the kind of thing I have to be grateful about.)

My latest metaphor for how I feel is that I feel like my heart got punched in the face. I’m just sitting here pretending like I feel ok, and that I don’t feel pummeled all the time. It’s like, I want to be using this hurt to make art but I feel like I have no starting place and no potential result in doing so. I keep thinking each new hurt is maybe the last one, that the ripples of the original events will finally die down now. That there’s no one else to be convinced I’m a horrible person. Oh please let the drugs work.

About to go to the doctor. “BestFriend” has been silent even though we just had a talk about her disappearing in the middle of a conversation for several days. Doesn’t look like anything changed here in spite of the fact that she seemed to understand how jarring this was. I’m seriously considering switching to some kind of text-message-based therapy or something just so I have someone guaranteed to be able to process to. I’m going to the doc to see if maybe they can bump up the SSRI dose. Ugh.

Ok, I’ve mostly survived. I managed to get some unit tests written and that’s always a good thing. Test all the units. I think I minorly impressed people and that’s good. I’m going to Baltimore to visit my friends there and just bask in love. Could be worse.