Corgi’s birthday was last weekend. Somehow I did a good job and pulled out all the stops and she felt special and satisfied. We did mild drugs all weekend and at the end of Saturday night we did whippets in bed at the end of the night, DJing songs to each one. Then on Sunday we cooked chili and watched movies and Game of Thrones. Pretty idyllic really, no significant fighting. Went to work fairly inspired and relaxed.
I guess Spiritkid and I aren’t having sex anymore. Corgi was relieved for only a minute yesterday before she picked a fight with me. It’s wearying, she knows it. Just trying to survive both of our birthdays.
It’s been tremendously hard to write here. All of the guilt and pain and anxiety of what happened with Spiritkid and its ripple effect on my relationship with Corgi and other people is kind of crippling. The Telephone party is tonight and it’s hard to look forward to it. Corgi went to a party with me the other day and I connected with and kissed someone in the other room. She saw me go off and knew I was going to kiss that girl. It really disturbed her and we didn’t get to a good place last night. My birthday party is coming up and just everything is a source of dread. We have 8 days to complete a major project at work and it’s horrible to face. I feel so out of control with everything and so groundless after the (pretty much) end of the telephone work. I thought I would feel good now but I just feel horrible. I don’t know if I should just end my relationship with Corgi or not. It feels like some kind of last chance at sanity but it also feels like this constant source of pain and stress.
Just as the end was in sight with the Telephone stuff, I super fucked it all up. I woke up in the middle of the night next to Spiritkid and started having sex with her without a condom in a confused state. All Corgi and my recent progress shuttered and any chance of civility between the two of them kinda shattered. It was some kind of weird subconscious sabotage I guess. Of what though? Telephone is launched to the public and we’re all waiting with bated breath while we wait for it to come out.
Corgi and I had a rough talk in bed last night but we got some things worked out. Today I feel better like we got straight with what we needed to talk about, basically that I can’t think long term with her under the current treatment. Today is a beautiful sunny day. Working on Telephone Game stuff. BBQ with some friends of hers tonight.
My body still feels so fucked. This morning my shoulders joints are super messed up. But emotionally I feel a little better and not everything feels so impossible. Corgi and I are talking tonight about relationship stuff. I’m really not happy and have to find a way to transmit that to her. Telephone and the NYT article are happening. It’s hard not to be excited but I just feel so beat ALL the time.
don’t feel physically as bad but emotionally worse. Kinda picked a fight with Corgi even though she was a bitch. Things are going so badly at work I wonder if my job is secure. I think I’ve had some sort of weird respiratory infection the entire time I’ve been here in NYC and when it flares up I feel super fatigued. Plus the crick in my back leaves me always hurting and ragged. I feel horrible and I just have to keep working.
Man… did the tiniest amount of weed tincture last night and a _very_ moderate amount of drinking. Woke up with the crick in my back worse, and bad headache all day. Went to therapy and everything feels so empty and hollow. God everything feels so impossible. For like really no good goddamn reason. Frenchy at work pointed out that what I accomplished didn’t match my time allocation and he’s right, I’ve been dragging my feet but I didn’t know he was going to bust my balls so hard about it.
Too excited by Telephone game work to do much at actual work today. Seeing Voluptuous tonight and thinking of the sex. I wish we could go have sex mid-date instead of having to wait until we’re super tired and tipsy at the end of the night. We’re going bowling and for Peruvian food.
Feel grumpy having to return to work and face the pressures here. Needing to change direction and now needing to scramble to re-estimate the new project is super stressing me out. Plus the two demos we have to do. Burnup sucks and I just feel low.
Finally got Telephone to its second-to-last milestone. That felt good and I felt lonely and nice to just watch TV and eat and drink by myself. Ended the weekend with Corgi and I in a good place after some rough feelings about the DC weekend all needed to get talked out.
Feel super worn out. Had Corgi over all this week and it’s been nice but also tumultuous. She’s not a naturally easy person to get along with even though she’s fun and very loving. I’ve been working my ass off on Telephone project and that’s coming along nicely. She’s been around and helping out and we’ve been cooking all domestic style but it’s been intermittently rough. We have fun and cook and have sex but she’s so prickly and it brings out the prickly in me because of the unfairness of it. Work is good but feeling a little impossible at times. Cooking with her has been lovely. My body feels fucked though and I have a weird neck/back crick for days and now feel a run down cold feeling.