I’m feeling a little better. Work is ok and I feel a little more hope. The hardest thing is the rest of the time. I don’t know how to get over the feeling that I’ve been utterly defeated by people. They just hurt me so badly and they feel like I deserve it. It’s maddening. I don’t know how to turn off thinking of them. Everything reminds me of them. It’s so hard to reconstruct a positive story of my life.

Oh man, first day on the new job and I’m so tired and hopeless.  Why did it have to be like this today?  I want to lay down so badly.  It’s hard to imagine wanting to engage.  I cannot bring myself to care.

I don’t feel like there’s any hope of life feeling like a creative good force anymore. I just woke up and don’t remember any dreams. The world feels like a cold hopeless place where people trick you. It doesn’t feel like any loyalty means anything.