you better work
One of the central struggles in my life right now is my full time job. It’s a good job. Everyone, including my boss, is very decent to me. I’m extremely well paid and I appreciate it. I even believe in what the company is doing. However, I have a massive problem with procrastination. It’s a constant psychological struggle for me to engage with the primary thing I’m supposed to be doing. I’m a programmer, and solving technical problems is my main job. Somehow I have a kind of whole-being resistance to engaging with it. I don’t want to be doing it. I don’t want to be working. I work from home and there are a million things I have to distract me. It’s an incredibly painful experience, and I can tell I’m slowly abusing the patience of my coworkers, but somehow when I’m actually during work hours I can somehow delude myself into thinking it’s ok to waste time and I’ll somehow be able to make it up. It’s dragging me down, but somehow minute-to-minute nothing is more painful than actually facing the work and doing it. I can look at the code 20 times in a row and my mind just goes NOPE and bounces right off it. Or, I’ll work for about 10 minutes and hit the smallest challenge or inconvenience and think THAT’S GOOD. I don’t know how to get out of this and it feels never ending and painful. I wish I could just quit my job and live without it but the ladycakes has such expensive tastes and we have an expensive apartment and I just need it to keep things rolling. It’s making me upset every day of my life, and it’s making me dread Monday all weekend every weekend. I’m working with it in therapy, but we only talk once a week and by that time I’ve died the coward’s death 7 more days. WTF can I do?!