I don’t feel horribly crushed or anything. Just sort of a low whine I guess. I feel slightly empowered by my decision to quit drinking but still a deep abiding feeling like my life kind of already played out and there’s nothing new in store for me. My fate feels written in stone and it is extremely disappointing. I don’t know how to move on from my previous expectations in life. The whole world seems to radiate anger and disappointment at me. It’s snowing.

So much of this year has been wondering what other people thing, wondering how far the consequences would reach, wondering if there might be some unexpected mercy from any corner and not often feeling like there was. I sure am not enjoying life. Jesus I need to actually meditate. I do a lot more thinking about meditation than meditating.

I have a sense of humor about it but it just informs everything I do.  I’m so sick of myself.  I’m sick of all this business with SpiritKid and Corgi and I’m so angry at them and so angry at myself and I feel so betrayed but I don’t know how to move forward with it.  I’m literally just sick of being myself and having all these fucking impulse control issues.  I feel so alone and isolated and so angry.  Once a week of therapy hardly feels like it’s scratching the surface.