Not drinking and I’m just so fucking depressed it’s intense. I don’t have a way to just sink into relaxation. I thought my brain chemistry would normalize fairly quickly but damn I’m hating it most of the time. I’m angry at myself and all my weird behaviors for alienating so many people throughout my life. I feel so old and isolated. I discovered I had hearing damage and I need glasses. I’ve never felt so unwanted in my whole life. I had no idea life could be so bad and boring. There have been other times in my life when I had very few friends or community but it never felt so permanent before. I just feel like no one will ever like me or want to get to know me ever again. I try to connect with people but nothing really ever results in people trying to connect with me like they did when I was younger. I just feel a sense of rejection that’s never ending. I try to post my opinions about movies and music and stuff on twitter and just no one cares. I just feel like I can’t some up with any kind of creativity that anyone wants or respond to. I just feel like a nothing person. Now I see why people have kids, so your life isn’t just a black hole when you get into middle age. There’s other parents to connect to and kids with energy and ideas. I’ve never felt so out of ideas. I was diagnosed with ADHD and I’m taking the medication and my psychologist and psychiatrist both kind of floated the idea that the amphetamines they give you to treat it help with depression. They really do not though. I just want to escape somehow. To go to Vietnam or Turkey or somewhere and just be truly anonymous and sit in the sun. I don’t know I have various escape fantasies. But I’m obviously still there so… I guess the problem remains. Cara has tried to sell me on taking Iboga or Ayahuasca and I really do want to. It’s so hard to imagine life ever being beautiful or hopeful again. I never thought I’d be so obsessed with cleaning. It’s like one of the only thing that causes me pleasure and it’s endless. People don’t seem to like anything I do creatively which makes me less and less inspired to put any effort into anything until even writing a tweet doesn’t seem worth it. I guess it’s time to admit I should take depression drugs cause fuuuuck this so much.