I guess I wasn’t ultimately worried that you’d received more harm than benefit from the dharma.
just rueful how much harm it’d really caused.
and i mean
the harm obviously wasn’t from the dharma
just from humans
who are imperfect
I mean honestly naive people who have to go on and on about how other people are enlightened to butter them up are a big part of the problem
just let a person be a teacher and don’t make them have to be a “manifestation of the buddha”
it does fuck me up personally though. that lama tashi is so frustrating. that norlha was as well. kalu rinpoche says “yo, your lama might have dirty fingernails but he’s still cool, just respect his teachings” but shit… dirty fingernails is a standin for some rough shit about teachers
even now. I love lama tashi. I still maintain the KSOC website
but I can’t like try and be close to him or help him personally or listen to his teachings anymore
I just can’t
and if my real nature is truly unrestricted wisdom then I hope I’ve done enough with the Kagyu teachings to crack a hole in my own stupidity and some seed has taken root because in this life I don’t think I can practice seriously anymore
I straight up don’t believe in a continuum of consciousness
I think when the causes and conditions of Daniel Talsky end I get to just die.
which is 100% against the four thoughts
I feel fairly certain that almost nothing of me will have to worry about the consequences of my actions. I definitely am sorrowful for the hurt I’ve propagated but I feel like karma is extremely diffuse. I’ll be dead. The turtle of me will never surface into the yoke. I just have between one and 40 more years of being kinda feeble before everything I am and everything I ever was is gone forever.
I’m sorry I know this isn’t what you necessarily invited but it just seems like a real discussion worth having. I love you very much. I wish we could find a way to be closer. We both try but we are so very different. I love you so deeply.
I’m a little worried about everyone else having to wander around in samsara forever but not me really. I’m pretty sure I get to die. And as far as I can see the whole universe will just run out of heat. I don’t think there are any ghandarvas or that beings fill all that space fills. It’s an interesting thought but I don’t see ANY evidence of that.
I’m just trying to do the best I can and be as good and have as much fun as I can in my last 0-40 years.
when I’m having blood drawn or in other serious pain I say manis and it does help me and honestly if the dharma gave me nothing else (which of course it did) then that’s more than enough