Did droogs over the weekend so maybe that’s the reason but I just feel crushed and lonely with a huge hole in my heart. \u00a0TechnoDruid has been kind of absent from IM and he’s kind of my closest friend and confidant. \u00a0I don’t know if he’s taking a little space on purpose or just busy but it hurts so much. \u00a0I miss him and I miss Corgi and I miss everyone I was really close to. \u00a0Everything feels tainted by my reputation and it seems obvious this is supposed to be a wake up moment for me where I realize what a monster I’ve become.<\/p>\n
There’s people who want to hang out with me and talk to me of course and it seems so obvious that I would reach out to them but something keeps me from it. \u00a0Partially just not feeling like they’re cool enough to be close to I guess. \u00a0I don’t want to feel this way anymore. \u00a0I don’t know who’s been talked to about my reputation and part of me has to assume everyone.<\/p>\n
I’m back to where I feel like I can barely work. \u00a0I just start at the screen uncomprehendingly and then when I think about what the first step would be towards getting to work I just can’t face it. \u00a0Then I feel the mounting pressure of another day passed without doing anything.<\/p>\n
I should have probably known better than to take the droogs but I was lonely there\u00a0upstate w K and R and it just felt so good to actually feel good for a moment. \u00a0God I’m just fighting to function and I have a new boss and everything feels so wrong. \u00a0I want to fast forward through life. \u00a0I can’t believe this is affecting me so much. \u00a0I don’t know how to stop getting hit by this wave over and over again. \u00a0I can’t believe CJ won’t talk to me. \u00a0I can’t believe this is still happening.<\/p>\n
I’m just freewriting, trying to make myself feel better like I used to. \u00a0God I want to look back on this time with affection so bad. \u00a0I hate everything. \u00a0I hate being this vulnerable to myself and everything. \u00a0I hate not having any remedy or way forward.<\/p>\n
It hurts. \u00a0It feels like a literal hole in my heart. \u00a0Why can’t I stop obsessing about it and feeling horrible about it? \u00a0It doesn’t matter whether I’m angry or feel compassion I’m still just excluded and it’s never going to stop.<\/p>\n
I’ve alienated all my friends and I’m not just going to die without a partner I’m truly going to die alone. \u00a0I’m going to live in some shitty old folks home doing puzzles in the air like the Maria Bamford joke. \u00a0I’m seriously wondering if the rest of my life is going to be filled with new and humiliating ways to discover that I’m even more of a failure.<\/p>\n
My fucking dad tried to call me and we go through the same fucking thing every time where he tries to get me to call him on the phone and pretend like nothing happened last time and I remind him about the boundary problems and then he’s like we’re never talking again like a sulky child. \u00a0It’s the worst. \u00a0I should know better than to try to open up to him about my feelings. \u00a0It’s watching my most snotty self-destructive tendencies play out before me in of course the most cartoonish immature possible way. \u00a0I’m much more sophisticated but that just lets me to a more insidious slow burn damage where I fool people into wanting to get close to me first.<\/p>\n
All this therapy and I don’t feel like it’s doing any good. \u00a0Got it’s so tiring to try and convince people I’m loveable when I don’t feel like I am. \u00a0I know you’re not supposed to try, it doesn’t matter I just feel like the black sauce that’s me pouring out the hole in my chest and making a hole on the floor. \u00a0It’s magnificent.<\/p>\n
I thought I was talented and I’m not enough. \u00a0I fought so hard to get out of Rockford so I could become the special person I was supposed to be and in the process I discovered my own lack of anything really distinguishing except being kind of mildly mentally ill. \u00a0God is this getting older? \u00a0Just repeatedly discovering how deep your damage goes and losing hope increasingly that you have any hope to really heal in a meantingful way. \u00a0How much further can I lower my expectations for myself and my life? \u00a0How many more people are going to trust me only for me to hurt them.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Did droogs over the weekend so maybe that’s the reason but I just feel crushed and lonely with a huge hole in my heart. \u00a0TechnoDruid has been kind of absent from IM and he’s kind of my closest friend and confidant. \u00a0I don’t know if he’s taking a little space on purpose or just busy […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-110","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-daily-log"],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/log.danieltalsky.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/110","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/log.danieltalsky.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/log.danieltalsky.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/log.danieltalsky.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/log.danieltalsky.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=110"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/log.danieltalsky.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/110\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":111,"href":"https:\/\/log.danieltalsky.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/110\/revisions\/111"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/log.danieltalsky.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=110"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/log.danieltalsky.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=110"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/log.danieltalsky.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=110"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}